a bit more grateful...
the art of letting go is never so simple
I think I need to be a bit more grateful for the present than I have been, for the future will be even more inviting and fulfilling, maybe that's what the universe is telling me. I've been feeling something buzzing just under the surface of my skin, like my inner teen-self vibrating with the need and longing for freedom, stability, change. To quote jeffrey Eugenides in the virgin suicides, "Obviously, Doctor, " she said," you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl". Never has ever been a more real quote. I am full of imperfections and a child's sins of who I used to be at one point, I think, I think, I think, I do that a-lot foolishly, sometimes I overthink. I exhaust myself, “I need to let go. Let go of the past that I keep trying to go back too and for what the happy moments were not untainted its not something i lost, not if it wasn't mine to keep to begin with.”, Is it fate from another life that follows, was it fate that I needed the tragic backstory so they can create another empathetic person who seems a bit to serious before you climb the mountain to finally see all of me. Maybe its fate, but I won’t know until the end of it so it seems. life is funny like that. I spent so much of my life denying myself of so many things unconsciously, I closed the door myself. I am so over myself I need to stop hiding & running away from life, from feeling. I can’t escape my humanity by hiding away from life and experiences in my room, & daydreams. Maybe in the end its fate, fate that I continue to learn how to let go but I'll still think about things fondly even if it ended in disaster.
braving up for the let go
I tend to be so cruel towards myself, almost as if I must feel guilt of things i’ve done, things i’ve experienced, whether I deserve it or not (most of the time I don’t). It makes me wonder if it’s driven by anxiety and fears of mine. Fears of what’s to come and time that is seemingly passing me by without a single glance my way, always one to be so stuck in my own head about this or that. I have such a roundabout way of thinking myself into paralyzation from fear of what could go wrong. I seem to be stuck in between these four-walls (my bedroom & mind). You know when Alice is in the white rabbits house and grows to large to fit inside, that’s how I feel where I am at right now in everything. I can feel myself out growing the things I once found solace in. I am trying to ignore the inevitable once again.
I can’t keep sitting in my room twiddling my thumbs, i’m tired of this old routine habit i’ve been stuck with for so long. I want change, I need the challenges life presents. I need to revive my inner child, the brave daredevil my younger-self was, she was scared but did things in-spite of it all, who would stand in front of someone else even more terrified than her own self to protect them, to show them there was nothing to be afraid of. I still have her inside me, I see her sometimes it’s not often but knowing that version of me hasn’t completely left me, I can find the courage to face life and all the challenges it will inevitably throw my way. i’m braving up for the let go I can feel it brewing just under my skin vibrating to the surface, the art of braving up for the let go — and the art of letting go.
I have spent an excessive amount of time stuck with the past that was clinging so desperately onto me, in a death grip I just couldn’t seem to escape from. I think i am truly finally learning the art of letting go, it hasn’t been pretty or easy, not like how the movies and books make it seem. No it is difficult, it is brutal, it is uncomfortable, it is heartbreak, but the art of it, its oh so human. I have so many unsaid words floating around in my mind and they are always on the tip of my tongue, those words are brutally honest from feelings i’ve carried, the weight of them on the edge of my tongue ready to slip out but I won’t let them. You see, while I can say them, I can’t take back their effects. I want to be as soft and as gentle as I can, I just want to leave love anywhere and everywhere I can. The older I get the more I see life is so much more than what I have ever known. I’m starting to understand my parents more, I see my family and realize how different we choose to live life. Sometimes we make choices based on fear, anger, sadness, familiarity, etc. Life has a funny way of playing out, i’m starting to understand by letting go, while its difficult it’s also gentle maybe with time my heart will put down all the weight its been shouldering for so long and i’ll unwind. I‘ll feel serenity, my heart will feel lighter, one day i’ll master the art of letting go but for now i’ll go through the process of it.
