gloomy propensity
stolen bliss, & unforgiving mind
song : innocent - Taylor swift
In introspect my gloomy propensity stems from childhood disappointment and wasted hope.
“my life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes “ - L.M Montgomery from Anne of green gables.
when i was younger i had a very cheery outlook on life, the cracks of reality started to peek through a bit to soon, some childhood bliss started to be stolen by adults in my life, my pessimistic disposition seemed to fall into place and at 5 years old when my father was sent to prison and was then deported to Mexico, and maybe that’s when i was sentenced to my gloomy propensity ever since. A true pessimist was dispositioned and i sat with it unattended for years until it consumed my being whole, i was frozen and still for a long while, until now at age twenty four am i just now reclaiming my sad hope and childhood dreams, nothing was lost but time, and that just swell, i still have more than enough time to waste away. A few more years to forge a life i’ve hoped and long for, i am not all the sad, hurt, anger, grief and guilt i’ve held onto. No i am much more than that!
to self quote a rambling tweet (x) thread
“ maybe i’ll never be able to fully forgive all the wrong others have done me, maybe i'll never learn to properly forgive them, the hurt might be a permanent stain in my mind so incredibly everlasting, maybe i’ll never be able to let go of it all, but one thing i can find peace with is how sincere i was in everything i did for them, whether it was reciprocated or not. I can be proud of who i am and my heart. Maybe i’ll learn to accept their hurt was never mine to bear and i just served as a lesson for them as they were for me. A gentle reminder give yourself some grace for carrying all this hurt, grief, anger and sadness you have no idea how to let go of and undo. life is so more than the sad, guilt, bad & hurt you carry hidden in your mind and heart, it is the love you give and leave behind in your wake.”
i am ready to lay to rest my gloomy disposition that i’ve held onto like an armor.
“slowly i am renewing my soul.” - Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Vita Sackville-west written c. May 1928.