time of rest & recuperation
as spring comes into bloom // a page from a march diary entry as winter bids farewell & spring embraces us (welcome to my first post)
March 11th 2025 // 7:30am
I do wonder sometimes about who I am ? I’ll be honest I simply cannot answer that question about myself, only that while I am my own individual person I also carry around every woman that ever was before me, and at last I accept that I am my mothers daughter & I'll take that role until the day I die, and lets be completely honest here even beyond death. If I had a chance to choose I'd choose her every time. Realization of just how much my lived through experience in life has shaped the person I am today subconsciously. Its not that I'm boring, no it's just... I crave solitude & peace, you see with all the chaos I grew up in, I'm simply exhausted & I have been for a very long while. It's only now that I'm trying to recuperate from it all. I wrote something in my notes app the other day that sprung the realization of how I was only operating on survival mode until now, "Find me in the eye of the storm, in my element, in chaos & calamity. It is where I grew up in, well versed in this environment, I've learned how to adapt and survive here.", and in the end of it when I look in the mirror I see my mother, I see my mothers, mother (grandma), I see glimpses of all the women before and it's my reminder to be gentle, kinder to myself maybe one day I'll be able to be as brave as them and step out of my comfort zone, my hermit shell if you will, one day, one day.
"I am half child, half ancient" - Bjork
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